Hi again. Yeah, I know. As moms we are supposed to lift each other up, show each other grace, respect each other's parenting choices...blah blah blah.
...But sometimes you just need to vent, you know? These are a collection of my observations and thoughts that I figured a lot of you probably could relate to...maybe. But, if this post offends you then it means that you are either:
a.) too sensitive
b.) one of these annoying moms that I'm talking about...so now that you're aware of it, you can change it. You're welcome.
With that said, here is my OFFICIAL Guide to Being The Most Annoying Mom at the Park. (In 8 different steps.)
1.) Don't acknowledge any of the other parents or children there. Your child is the only one on the playground that matters. If your kid wants to go down the slide but there are other children playing at the bottom, encourage him to slide down anyways. When he inevitably smashes into another child, let your brat know that he did nothing wrong. (Because, DUH! The other kids shouldn't have taken so long to move out of the way!)
2.) Don't respect anyone else's space. Somebody parked their stroller by the bench where you wanted to park yours? Tough cookies! Double park your big ass limo stroller and block 'em in.
3.) Never share. Never ever. Sharing is for weak minded people. A one year old toddles up and stares at your kid's goldfish crackers? Don't smile. Don't ask her mom if it's O.K if she has one. Just give her a dirty look and shoo her away. Because HOLY MOLY a giant bag of goldfish is like $2 and you just can't spare that kind of money.
4.) Make sure all the other parent's know that you're constantly teaching your kid new things...thus making your child the smartest at the park!
When he's climbing up the swing set make sure you loudly say, "That's RIGHT Johnny, you're climbing UP. Not DOWN, UP! You are going UP high just like an Alpine Ibex Goat! Can you spell Alpine?" (Bonus points if you make fun of the kid next to him for not knowing his alphabet backwards.)
5.) Be on your cellphone. Never take your eyes off your cellphone. Not even if your kid is running towards the street. There are other diligent parents that are watching your child for you.
6.) Let your ginormous 11 year old rush the playground and rough house around all the toddlers trying to climb the stairs. Let their too-big-for-the-baby-playground-feet stomp ALL AROUND the tiny toddler fingers.
7.) Let your kid be a huge jerk. If an adorable blue-eyed 2.5 year old (who thinks he's Spiderman) approaches your child and wants to show him his spidey web, let your kid yell "GO AWAY!!!" in his face. (Just be cautious of Mama Bear near by, she might be 5 seconds away from smackin' your sweet angel.)
8.) Lastly, if the park is fenced in, DO NOT close the gate. NEVER. Leave it WIDE open for the other little ones to run out.
...That last one is my personal favorite ;) Cheers to the non-annoying parents! Let's have a playdate!
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