Toddlers are the Worst.

Happy Saturday! What a great day to write a blog! My husband is home to watch the kids so now I can freely type without Gavin pushing me off the computer chair so he can watch Spider-man Videos and Elsa Hair Tutorials. Awesome.

It has come to my attention, more than ever, how ridiculous toddlers are. I have had conversations that I never thought would happen. Just the other day I had to play referee in a fight between my two kids. What about? Boogers. Gavin had struck gold and was so proud of the little green disgusting thing he found in his nose. (See below...see it? So proud.)

...Anyways, as he was admiring the fruits of his labor, his little sister snatched that booger right off his finger. (cue: MASS HYSTERIA) OMG IT WAS EPIC MELTDOWN TIME. 

Gavin: "Dat's MY BOOGER! I NEED THAT BOOGER! PUT IT BACK, BABYYYYY!!!"

Me: "It's OK, Gavin, you can get another one. It will be alright."

This entire time my daughter is running around with the prized booger in her hand. Every time Gavin approached her, Presley just took off...completely taunting him. There were tears and lots of yelling. (BTW, how is a mom supposed to intervene in a booger war? Like I wanted them to stop fighting but I really really didn't want to touch the booger. I've had my fair share of handling poop and other bodily fluids, but you have to draw the line somewhere, YA KNOW?)

So the Booger Battle of 2015 continued. Gavin chasing Presley. Presley laughing. Gavin crying. Finally he had her cornered. This was his moment. He might just get his booger back and win. 

THEN IT HAPPENED. It might have been in slow motion...it sure seemed like it. Gavin grabbed Presley's arm, he was inches away from reclaiming his prize. I saw it. I saw the look on her face. I knew what she was thinking. With a sly smile and a spark of crazy in her big blue eyes, she did it. She lunged for it and did it. She didn't even wince. She ATE HIS BOOGER. OMG. How can my sweet daughter be so disgusting? My gag reflex kicked in big time and my eyes started to water. (I mean, I've seen her slurp puddle water from the backyard, but our dog does that too so it's no biggie.) It's one thing to eat your OWN boogers, but someone else's? Lord help her. 

I don't know who is more scarred. Gavin who lost his booger? Or me who had to witness such a thing? All I know is whoever told me boys were gross lied to me. GIRLS are worse. 

Does this look like the face of someone that eats boogers?

Gah. This 16 month-old-Crazy-Lady is going to give me gray hair. 

How to Be The Most Annoying Mom at the Park

Hi again. Yeah, I know. As moms we are supposed to lift each other up, show each other grace, respect each other's parenting choices...blah blah blah.  

...But sometimes you just need to vent, you know? These are a collection of my observations and thoughts that I figured a lot of you probably could relate to...maybe. But, if this post offends you then it means that you are either:
a.) too sensitive
b.) one of these annoying moms that I'm talking about...so now that you're aware of it, you can change it. You're welcome.

With that said, here is my OFFICIAL Guide to Being The Most Annoying Mom at the Park. (In 8 different steps.)

1.) Don't acknowledge any of the other parents or children there. Your child is the only one on the playground that matters. If your kid wants to go down the slide but there are other children playing at the bottom, encourage him to slide down anyways. When he inevitably smashes into another child, let your brat know that he did nothing wrong. (Because, DUH! The other kids shouldn't have taken so long to move out of the way!)

2.) Don't respect anyone else's space. Somebody parked their stroller by the bench where you wanted to park yours? Tough cookies! Double park your big ass limo stroller and block 'em in.

3.) Never share. Never ever. Sharing is for weak minded people. A one year old toddles up and stares at your kid's goldfish crackers? Don't smile. Don't ask her mom if it's O.K if she has one. Just give her a dirty look and shoo her away. Because HOLY MOLY a giant bag of goldfish is like $2 and you just can't spare that kind of money.

4.) Make sure all the other parent's know that you're constantly teaching your kid new things...thus making your child the smartest at the park!
When he's climbing up the swing set make sure you loudly say, "That's RIGHT Johnny, you're climbing UP. Not DOWN, UP! You are going UP high just like an Alpine Ibex Goat! Can you spell Alpine?"  (Bonus points if you make fun of the kid next to him for not knowing his alphabet backwards.)

5.) Be on your cellphone. Never take your eyes off your cellphone. Not even if your kid is running towards the street. There are other diligent parents that are watching your child for you.

6.) Let your ginormous 11 year old rush the playground and rough house around all the toddlers trying to climb the stairs. Let their too-big-for-the-baby-playground-feet stomp ALL AROUND the tiny toddler fingers.

7.) Let your kid be a huge jerk. If an adorable blue-eyed 2.5 year old (who thinks he's Spiderman) approaches your child and wants to show him his spidey web, let your kid yell "GO AWAY!!!" in his face. (Just be cautious of Mama Bear near by, she might be 5 seconds away from smackin' your sweet angel.)

8.) Lastly, if the park is fenced in, DO NOT close the gate. NEVER. Leave it WIDE open for the other little ones to run out.


...That last one is my personal favorite ;) Cheers to the non-annoying parents! Let's have a playdate!