Me. Everyday.
So once upon a time I used to just want to be skinny. Like really skinny. And then I realized that looking like Nicole Richie in 2007 wasn't the bees-knees...it's all about being FIT. Or something like that. So now that I'm 27ish, I want to be fit.
Let's be honest, I'll never have a 6 pack. (You can thank my daughter for being so huge that she stretched my stomach skin out so now I have enough to cover Montana. Do you need some stomach skin? I have some. I'll sell give it to you. And don't get me started on my cute little horseshoe tattoo on my hip that has now morphed into some sort of abstract representation of octopus tentacles. We'll save that for another blog.
**(Listen kids, you're parents are right. Wait to get tattoos until you're like 80. You'll be done growing and your skin will already be saggy. It won't make a difference.)
Anyways, back to this "being fit" business. A little over a year ago I joined this amazing village called Stroller Strides. (Fit4Mom Corona HOLLA!!) And after I traumatized my children by falling on my butt and ripping my pants on my first day, I totally got into it. I made friends and got great workouts. It's great. Join. You won't regret it. I hated running (and I STILL do) but something about being passed up by a pregnant mom pushing a double stroller uphill really motivates you.
But its so hard. Some days I envision myself getting ripped, and other days I try to convince my 3 year old that he NEEDS a corn dog right now and we should go get some. Then I debate about how many corndogs I can order before he sells me out and tells the cashier that mommy is going to eat 4 "torn dogs" when we get home. Little brat.
Just GLORIOUS
Ugh. Until the day my six-pack arrives, I shall remain living in my yoga pants. Yoga pants are God's gift to moms...in case you didn't know. Why else would they feel so magical?
Bottom line is I HAVE to workout, I just loooooove food way too much not to. I'm also afraid my adoration for eating is genetic... my sweet (pleasantly plump) daughter loves to eat, too. When she knows it's mealtime she'll sit in her little chair and grunt and scream until her food is served. As soon as I put her plate in front of her, she claps. If for some reason her brother is taking too long to sit down and eat, she'll eat his too. It's survival of the fittest in this household!
If any of you are like me, I hope you have peace in knowing that you're not alone in your gluttonous desires. Let me know if you ever want to go on a run together...we can get corndogs after! ;)
WHAT. A. WEIRD. DAY.
So my general rule of thumb is that people who argue with other people on social media (especially Facebook) are really dumb. Like, who argues with strangers? Who has that much time to waste?
...Well me, apparently. Let me tell you a story. Bear with me, it's long. So there's this page/group that I (as well as many of my friends) are a part of on Facebook. It's a community page to keep the citizens informed on what is happening in our city. People post about a variety of things-good places to eat, bad places to eat, issues in the neighborhood, customer service experiences, etc... In fact, the page is called "What's Up Corona?!" ...Pretty self explanatory, AMIRIGHT? I've mostly been an observer. I read the posts, occasionally commenting on something interesting here and there. Until today. Holy Crap Today.
I had a rather annoying experience at the local Home Depot this afternoon. So I did what any other self-respecting and helpful person would do...I posted about it. I wanted my fellow Coronians to be spared the "minor" inconveniences I so woefully suffered. Here is what I said:
"Ran into Home Depot today to grab some paint samples and carpet cleaner. Upon entering the store an employee told me my daughter couldn't ride in the front of the basket, she had to be strapped in the seat. (Ok fine. They are looking out for my kids' safety)...then we head to the paint department where we are approached by a Solar Panel salesman who would NOT take "no" for an answer... After I told him several times we weren't interested. Next, we head to the cleaning supplies aisle where we are once again approached by a sales person who wanted to send someone out to test our water pressure. (When I declined she gave me attitude.) ...FINALLY we made it to the check out where we were asked 3 TIMES if we were paying with a Home Depot credit card and if we wanted to open an account. HOLY MOLY. I will seriously avoid going in there ever again as I despise being harassed. A quick trip turned into 45 minutes. (Which is a LIFETIME when you have 2 toddlers in tow!)"
As I hit, "share", I thought, "Look at me being so diligent and informative. Who doesn't like a little rant from time to time? It keeps us humble!" I set my phone down and decided to rest while my little one was napping.
Nope. Bad idea, Jamie. There was no resting to be had. I apparently just woke the most opinionated Judgy Mc.Judgerson that ever lived...
What was so bad about a simple little post about the hardware store? Everything. Everything in the entire world was wrong with it. Little did I know that I had just become the worst mother in the whole universe. THE. WHOLE. UNIVERSE.
I don't want to call this lady out on her comments, because that might be illegal or something. (But her name rhymes with Smelissa.)
So, Smelissa saw that I had a rough day...but she wanted to make it better. So she called me out. Her first comment on my post was about how I was lucky the lady told me to strap my kid in because I could be spending the rest of the day in the emergency room. Ok, I took it. She's right, I should count my blessings. Whatever.
But guys...Smelissa wasn't done. She had an article to back her point up. She posted it. Fantastic.
Some words were said about her being dramatic and this ANGERED her. Things went from 0-10 in 5 minutes and the next thing I know I'm relying on sarcastic memes to slay this crazy lady's accusations. I'm sweating and laughing and filled with regret that I even posted the dumb status to begin with.
She called me a selfie-taker and accused me of taking pictures of my home cooked dinner. (I didn't even MAKE dinner last night, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!) And I appointed her as the Shopping-Cart-Police. She quoted Forest Gump or something. She even called me sad. I asked her how I could get her to shut up. Things were going down. 'Bows were being thrown and I was getting ready to take off my virtual hoop earrings. Ain't NOBODY gonna question my MAMA BEAR parenting, you know? It was getting real.
And then, like angels sent straight from heaven, I suddenly had an army of other Bad Moms/Dads/Whoever blastin' Smelissa. We were witty, we were quick and we were relentless. But we kept it C-L-A-S-S-Y. We shut her down. (Ok well she may have just blocked me but same thing, right?)
(If anyone wants to borrow my gang of Bad Moms let me know. We shut haters down for a small fee.)
...The post now has 300+ comments. Whoa. Anywho. What is my point of this? I'm not really certain...but it's hard out there for a Mama...we gotta stick together!
***Got to give a shout out to my friends who so quickly ran to my aid in my time of trouble. You know who you are. And Mary, the admin homegirl, for not deleting my post and letting it blow up in all it's glory. You the real MVP!
